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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22642477">A Second Chance</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nuaddu/pseuds/Nuaddu'>Nuaddu</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Second Chance [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Modern Era</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 12:02:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,625</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22642477</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nuaddu/pseuds/Nuaddu</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>My first life is nothing to be proud of, so no, this will not be any account of my previous life in Beleriand. However, this story is not some fluff-laden account of my return to Valinor either. It is neither, yet I guess it is both, in a sense. On the one hand, I'm grateful to the Valar, Eru, or whoever I should thank for this second chance thrusted upon me; on the other, I'm tired, oh, so tired - but "that's my cross to bear", as you humans like saying, and I must carry it until Arda is unmarred.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>A Second Chance [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1607059</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>My first life is nothing to be proud of, so no, this will not be any account of my previous life in Beleriand. However, this story is not some fluff-laden account of my return to Valinor either. It is neither, yet I guess it is both, in a sense. On the one hand, I'm grateful to the Valar, Eru, or whoever I should thank for this second chance thrusted upon me; on the other, I'm tired, oh, so tired - but "that's my cross to bear", as you humans like saying, and I must carry it until Arda is unmarred. To begin this tale, I think I should rather talk about when it all ended. I will spare you the gory details of my death - doubtlessly others have written about it, and to be frank, I don't remember that much of it anyway. It was painful yada yada, it felt like eternity blah blah blah, and then it was done. I was no longer in pain, the oath was gone, and I was just sprite hovering above that lava pit - I felt free and careless, and nothing but. And as I ascended upwards, I saw Namo.</p><p>"Greetings, Nelyafinwe" he said, and gestured. "Please, don't call me that. That's no longer my name". "How should I call you then?"</p><p>"I think "kinslayer" would be best, but I'm open for suggestions". The Vala stared at me and nodded; "will you join my halls?"</p><p>"I... That's probably not a good idea". "Why so?"</p><p>"My presence would spell trouble". "Almost all your family and friends are there". "I doubt they consider me a friend". "You are correct", said Namo, "at least one of them doesn't", and I wondered if he was referring to Findekano - if he was, I didn't want to know the answer. "You may rest and heal in my halls, if you so wish. Your wounds run deep". I hesitated; should I join Mandos? On the one hand I wanted to, yet on the other... Joining Mandos would mean seeing everyone and anyone, and I couldn't look them in the eye, I just couldn't - and even if I could, I dreaded the response - Finwe, Nolofinwe, and above all, Findekano - what would I say to him? What exactly could I say to him, "sorry"? He wouldn't forgive me - no, and he shouldn't. "You hesitate. You're afraid, but then again, my doom was pronounced in front of you. You chose it yourself". "Yes, I take full responsibility, although I don't think it matters anymore". Namo gave me a hard look; "it matters, even if not in this day and age". he suddenly relaxed; "it appears you need some time on your own. We will meet again when the time is right, and it is then you will make your final choice" he said, and disappeared.<br/><br/></p><p>Time passed, and the volcanic crag into which I pushed myself soon became an island. At first, my little island was covered with volcanic ashes, but as time passed grass started appearing, and after a while, so did many birds, settling the cliffs looking west. They were followed by seals, which were followed by Orcas, and many other animals which felt at home - I welcomed them all. I knew they noticed me, but they didn't care; it was a lovely place - to the east I could see the peaks of the Ered Luin, and to the west... There was the ocean, covering the remnants of my history, my personal failure. In nights, I would stare at the sky, wondering whether my crimes will be remembered for eternity, and in day I would look for new hatchlings among the birds, or watch the great whales passing by my new home. In a sense, I felt safe there, as if the calmness enveloping that island induced some strange serenity upon me; it was ages since I felt so good - the last time I felt so was in Aman, long before my dad drew his sword. </p><p>However, as I should know, good things rarely last forever, and this idyll had to break. At first, I didn't pay much attention to it - mariners were sailing near my island on great ships, hunting my seals and my whales. I did my best to drive them away, by blowing some winds against them, but they came back and killed a multitude of animals to sell on the mainland; I was furious. I gathered all my rage and came as a powerful wind on the waves, setting them off course and crushing them on the cliffs. There were two survivors which were picked up a few days later, starving and dehydrated; it seemed like a fair punishment, in my eyes anyway. And either way, those humans didn't show up for a while, and it was good, or should I be more precise, it was quiet - but it wasn't good. Something was going on, I felt it, and it frightened me. The days were getting colder, the winds were stormier, and the skies were darker, as if the old enemy was back and stirring his cauldron. It felt eerily reminiscent of those dark years, but that was impossible - the dark foe was kicked out, it couldn't be him - but what then, or who?</p><p>The next time those accursed humans showed up, they weren't hunting. I will not forget it - they came in a ship, a long one, filled with men armed to their teeth; they weren't hunters, or at least, they weren't hunting for animals on my island. They set their anchor and took a few small boats and landed on my island; they were slavers, as I learned, coming from an island deep in the west called Numenore (how uninspired!) - they were very uneasy about landing on my island (they believed it was possesed by an evil spirit. Technically, they weren't mistaken), but their leaders insisted. They then chanted some tune in a language I couldn't understand (I mean, I knew it was some mannish dialect - I recognized it as the one spoken in Hisilome in the day- but I couldn't understand a word), until one of them, dressed in jewels and white robes came forward. "I hereby dedicate this sacrifice to Melkor, lord of all Arda, may he grant us a safe journey east!" he said in the common tongue, and much to my horror, they grabbed a little boy (judging from his looks, probably from the tribe of Bor), and hit his head with a blunt object. After that they strapped heavy stones to his hands and legs, and threw him into the ocean, after which those monsters went back to their ship. I tried everything, but despite my best efforts I couldn't capsize their ship.</p><p>Not many years had passed, and the Earth shook violently; it was then that Namo appeared. "Greetings. We meet again" he said. "What is your choice, Noldo?"</p><p>I sighed; "it would be best for everyone if I weren't around, right?"</p><p>Namo stared at me, surprised; "well, as it happens, I'm afraid I have an interest in you joining my halls". "Oh?"</p><p>"Do not misunderstand me" he said, "this not done out of love for your house"; who would've guessed, I thought. "The world is changing, the great island of Numenor is being sunk into the depths, and you must leave for Mandos - while you still can". "What does it have to do with me?"</p><p>"You've met the Numenoreans, right?"</p><p>"Yes, those bastards sent a few of their ships here. I took pleasure in destroying them, when I could. They follow Morgoth" I said with hate; "that's where you're mistaken. It is Sauron they follow. Sauron poisoned their minds against the Valar" he said; "he heard of your island, the "cursed pit" as sailors call it - he knows it is inhabited by some fea. Soon enough he will send someone to snoop for him, and whoever or whatever they may be, they will find you. And you know what happens then" he said, and shivers went down my non-existent spine. "So, Maitimo Nelyafinwe, will you join my halls?"</p><p>I took a deep breath; "yes, lord Namo, I would", and then everything turned black.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>How can I describe Mandos? It's a strange place - the halls are dark, but not like what you'd expect from a hole in the ground, or a mine; they are simply lit by some strange, weaker light, which is not so blindingly bright as the sun. The walls can be felt but they're rarely seen, they feel more like a "dark corridor" then a proper hall, but not in a menacing sense - the darkness in Mandos is such that allows one to sleep undisturbed, not makes him fear for the boogeyman hiding under his bed. The tapestries of time are hung, beginning at the entrance and then extending deep into the halls, taking you deeper and deeper inside - at the entrance you could see all the wars of the Valar with Melkor and the shaping of Arda, and going further inside reveals the awakening of the Elves, the strife of the Noldor, Beleriand, tales of the southern lands, and my exploits - among other things. And the ceiling... That may be the strangest thing about Mandos - there is none. I mean, obviously there is something blocking the rain and whatever, but you can't see it - in daytime the skies are always cloudy, gray-ish and serene, but at night those clouds disperse, revealing Varda's creations in all their glory. It's a place of resting, and some healing, but mostly resting. </p><p>When I first arrived in Mandos, I arranged with Namo my arrival would be unannounced. And so it was - I caught glimpses of my brothers here and there, and of my cousins. I never approached them, not even once - I dared not - and they were oblivious to my presence. I was long ago out of that circle, cut off by myself - there's no point in lingering around, I thought. The only thing left to do is getting used to this new house of mine, making sure not to disturb anyone, and not to be disturbed. In time, I wished, I would be forgotten, and the damage I did would be nothing but an old scar, forgotten and no longer painful. I knew full well that this could happen only if I stayed away from everyone and anyone, and thus I've decided that even in the unlikely event in which I were to be released from Mandos, I would refuse that offer. </p><p>Namo, it seems, didn't quite agree with me on that one.</p><p>"Is there anyone you would like to meet?"</p><p>"No, lord Namo. Thank you, but I would prefer to be alone" I said. "There are many who wish to see you". "You should tell them it's impossible to kill a dead person". "They don't want to kill you, they just want to talk". "Who, exactly?"</p><p>"Your father, your grandfather, your brothers, your cousins, your ex-soldiers, to name just a few". "If it's grievances they're wishing to file, rest assured - I'm not leaving these halls. I will not trouble Arda". "Not all of them were glad to see you burn". "I'm pretty sure that the moment I jumped into that volcano was a joyous occasion in this part of the world". "You are not mistaken, and yet, not all of them wish you ill. Your father, for example - I can take you to him if you like". "Yeah, I'm going to skip that one. If there's one person I don't want to see, well...". Namo looked at me inquisitively; "don't look at me like that, I'm not blaming him for any of my deeds". "Why?"</p><p>"Because in the end, it was I who committed them. My deeds are my fault, from their beginning to their end. I had a choice not to follow the oath, and I took the coward's way out". "I could hardly call you a coward". "No, Namo, only a coward would choose to save himself by murdering the innocents" I said, "and getting back on topic, no, I won't see my dad, end of story. I'm still angry with him, and besides, he was about to disown me at Losgar, so...". "And what if I told you he regrets it all?"</p><p>"Then let him wallow in it. There are some things I cannot forgive, this is one of them. He was a shitty father, I don't want to see him again. Ever". "Fair enough" said Namo, "and what about Findekano? He constantly begs me for information on your whereabouts". I hesitated; "he's better off without me" I said, with a very heavy heart. "Why do you think so?"</p><p>"Because I'm a kinslayer, I have no place in a civilized society. Findekano, on the other hand, does". "Why won't you let him decide?"</p><p>"Because... Well, actions speak louder than words". "That's a meaningless motto". "I have no better answer, but I cannot face him". "Actions speak louder than words, you say" said Namo, looking thoughtful; "you better stick to that=. Something tells me your part in Arda is not yet over".</p><p>"I seriously doubt that - my part consists of staying in these halls and not bothering any living soul ever again".</p><p>Time passed, and my presence in Mandos was still unnoticed - until the beginning of the Fourth Age. It was then that it was announced Makalaure was about to enter the halls, the last of the original exiles (by that time, Artanis was already back in the West). It was then that I decided to break my habit, because Makalaure was someone I would like to meet again - if only to apologize and then disappear for the rest of eternity. He deserved none of what happened, and because of me and my stubbornness he ended up wandering the shores of Arda, a broken harp stained by eternal pain and guilt everlasting. His troubles were my fault, troubles he did not deserve; it was I who made a kinslayer out of him, and so, I waited in the shadows, lurking hidden at the entrance to the halls, until he showed up. My brothers were gathered, and with them were Nolofinwe, Turukano, and Findekano; oh joy. When he showed up my guilt became even worse; Makalaure was a husk of an elf, broken and tired, and they soon left. I then approached him, wishing to apologize - but he only stared at me with pure hate - he had all the right to - and I was taken aback; I turned around and saw my uncle, my father, Findekano, and my brothers looking at me, shocked. I didn't stop to say hi, and just fled with all my speed straight to the depths of Mandos; I was being followed, I was sure of that, and I didn't care - only after some time I turned around to get a glimpse of my pursuers, Findekano and Turukano. They were fast, but I was faster, and I soon lost them. Well, not exactly - Turukano gave up, while Findekano kept going. "Please, Maitimo, where are you?"</p><p>"I promise, I just want to talk!"</p><p>But I stayed hidden and gave no answer. It didn't stop him though - he kept searching for me, while I kept borrowing deeper and deeper into the halls, hiding. Findekano, I think, was the only person I ever knew who was more stubborn then my old man - unlike him, he was also kind. He was (or rather, is) the perfect mixture anyone could ask for in a partner - which was exactly why I, the accursed, couldn't picture myself next to him, I just couldn't. It pained me beyond measure, but I couldn't bring myself close to this perfect form known as "Findekano" - he deserved the best, and I wasn't even close to that. And stubborn as he was, he kept looking for me as the ages passed, while I just dug myself deeper into the halls - there was one plus side to it though - I did study most of the soap-opera you humans like to call "history". And so, around the end of the Seventh Age (or the beginning of the Eighth, I'm not quite sure on dates) Namo showed up.</p><p>"Your cousin is relentless". "So am I". "He wishes to speak with you, he means no ill will". "I know, I would not have it. I should be forgotten". Namo gave me hard look; "this could work, yes. This certainly could work". He looked at me and said "the lords of Valimar have made a decision on your matter, seeing you're almost healed". "I will accept any punishment". "It's not a punishment". "Whoa, wait, I don't want to-". "My dear elf, do shut up, for just one second" said Namo, slightly annoyed; "a while ago you told me that actions speak louder than words. It's about time you prove it". "I... I don't understand". "The lords of Valimar see fit to send you back to Arda"; I stared at Namo in confusion. "Why?"</p><p>"There's a shadow cast upon the world, Sauron is back, and we need someone to keep him checked". "But... Wasn't Sauron defeated? "Never to rise back" or something like that?"</p><p>"Defeated, not destroyed. While he may not regain a body, his mind is still very much alive, a thing we missed". "Why me then? I can think of many much more capable". "Because we deem you're up for it" he said; "these are the terms of the deal - you will be reembodied as a human, and you will fight Sauron on our behalf. After that, you will return back to the West". "Wait, could you repeat the last part?"</p><p>"After you're done, you will return to the West". "Listen, I don't mind fighting Sauron - if you need a henchman, that's the least I could do. But I'd rather return to these halls instead". "Sorry, these are the terms, they're not negotiable" said Namo - "do you accept?"</p><p>I sighed; "don't forget, it was you who said "actions speak louder than words". I looked at him; "yes, I accept, there's just one thing I ask in return". "Oh?"</p><p>"Please tell Findekano I'm no longer around, it'd be cruel to have him search for me while I'm gone". "And where shall I tell him you are?"</p><p>"Wherever you like, I don't care" I said, "I just don't want him to have false hopes". "Very well" said Namo, "your mission begins".</p><p>And everything went black.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When I woke up it was sunrise. I was lying on the floor, surrounded by empty glass bottles; my head was pounding, and I was nauseous - and it didn't take long for me to figure out why: I was covered in vomit. I looked around me - on the ceiling there was a strange orb emitting a yellow, mechanical light, and on the desk there were various pages bound together - they weren't books, but to my surprise I realized they were called "notebooks". Beyond them was a strange device, looking like two boards glued together, on one of which there were buttons painted with letters - a "computer", as it seemed. The walls were covered with posters of naked (or semi-naked) women, posters which looked like the drawings I did when I was a 31-year old elfling, drawings made solely to convince myself I wasn't gay. What the actual fuck? Where was I?</p><p>I got up and looked at my reflection in the mirror - that wasn't me. I mean, the copper-red hair and the gray eyes were there, but this was pretty much it. I don't think my mum would've recognized me, and I couldn't blame her - all the elven grace was gone, my face was all different (it had a beard!), I was shorter and my body was strange (chest hair? WTF?!), although by humans standards I probably seemed unremarkable, to say the least. As weird as it seemed to me back then, in retrospective it made perfect sense - if I was to fight Sauron, I shouldn't be recognizable, at least not from the start. There were some plus sides to my new looks - I had two normal hands, and no scars, with the latter being replaced by tattoos on my arms and legs. I stared at them with amazement - the humans I knew could barely tattoo simple shapes, and here I was, standing in this strange new world, with my arms and legs covered with intricate paintings and designs. Elves don't have tattoos, or at least they didn't in my age - but these were awesome. </p><p><em>Good morning, Nelyafinwe</em>, I've heard Namo's voice saying. In my head. <em>Welcome to your new body. As you may have gathered, this body belonged to a human</em>. Please don't tell me you've killed someone for this. <em>Oh no</em>, replied Namo, sounding slightly offended, <em>the fea whose body you're now possesing left Arda a few moments ago. It was a tragic story which you may dwell on, if you wish</em> he said, and vague memories of drinking my troubles away in this very room surfaced on my mind. <em>As you already noticed, you were given this fea's memories. Do you know his name?</em></p><p>D... Dom-Daniel something, I thought. Daniel Rotkopf?</p><p><em>Very good. </em>OK, cool, now that orientation is over, where is Sauron? Let's get this over with. <em>There's no hurry. As you may recall, you're not yet healed, and besides, Sauron is hidden. Finding him is an exercise left for you</em>. I'm confused. <em>You shouldn't be</em>, said Namo, <em>you still have some healing to do, you're not yet ready to go after him. If you insist, you may search for any suspicious activity. I'm sure you'll find him eventually</em>. Don't you know where he is? </p><p><em>Oh, I do. But a part of your mission is finding him yourself. </em>I don't understand what I'm supposed to do. Where am I?</p><p>
  <em>You are in a land the poets call "the Holy Land", in a city called "Jerusalem". Do you remember it from your time in the halls?</em>
</p><p>I do have some vague memories of it. Wars were fought over this city, right? </p><p><em>Wars ARE BEING fought over it.</em> OK, and what am I supposed to do?</p><p><em>For starters, take a shower and clean yourself. Then, I suggest you go out and see how the world had changed in your absence. </em>No, that's not what I meant. <em>I know. Your first objective is to blend in. This Daniel Rotkopf had a routine, you need to slip into it as unsuspiciously as possible. Conveniently enough, he has no family</em> (Daniel's memories differed on that one),<em> and I arranged for him to have enough money so you won't need a job. My suggestion - just go with the flow... </em>He said, and his consciousness faded from mine. OK, this was fucked up, I thought, as I started cleaning up. I looked out of my window - it was early morning, and it was snowing. There were no houses in sight, just towers, and the asphalt-paved roads were covered in a dirty white blanket, with the morning's chill being disrupted by people getting up for their daily chores. I sighed - time to get to work.</p><p>A few hours later I was a little more clear on my surroundings - I was living in a bachelor pad with some roommates (which I was supposed to loath), and I was a student at the local university, studying something which was akin to mathematics - physics. Apparently, this physics thingie was a part of a discipline humans called "science", a discipline which aimed to understand and study the various phenomena found in the world around them. As for this Daniel Rotkopf, he was a nobody, I think. He had his friends (and apparently their mutual interests surrounded weed and cheap beer), he was into women (shame), and apparently he was in the army, serving as a clerk in some office. Huh, what a strange military service, I thought. </p><p>When I opened the fridge to look for some food I found none, and using this Daniel's memories I decided to visit the local "market" (called a "Supermarket) to get something to eat. When I stepped outside I was amazed - everything was so... Different! High towers, cars on the road, and humans, humans everywhere. Those weren't the stubby, sickly, cave dwelling humans of my time though - the humans I saw around me were grand and impressing, and their sight could even easily rival the Eldar - you humans sure made one hell of a leap forward since I last saw you. Anyway, I entered this "Supermarket" and I was amazed - again. Even in my wildest dreams I would never have guessed one could find so many fruits and vegetables in winter, yet here they were, right before me! It was, literally, all I could eat - I didn't recognize half of what I saw, yet I navigated through Daniel's memories which told me what to buy. The strangest things were plastic wraps, those transparent sheets made of some strange, eerie material. As soon as I touched one of those plastic bags I was repulsed - the elvish part of me was confident plastic was a polluted and accursed substance, which I should keep away from - as much as I would've liked doing that, it seemed impossible. Apparently, humans use it with everything (sounds poisonous as hell, but what do I know, I'm just an immortal).</p><p>Anyway, back to my story, as soon as I finished unloading half of all the unidentified fruit and vegetables into my cart, I visited the meat section - I know you folks sometimes think us Elves were vegetarians, but in truth we loved our meat every once in a while, and I was no exception. Looking at it, there was Beef (in my days, I knew those animals as Auruchs), Chicken, something called Turkey, but I wanted something else. "Excuse me, do you have boar meat?"</p><p>The butcher was looking at me, surprised; "I'm sorry?"</p><p>He was a tall men, wearing a flat disc of cloth on the back of his head.  "Do you have any boar meat? I'd like to buy some fillet". "Do you think it's funny?"</p><p>He asked me angrily. "I just want to buy meat". "This is a Kosher place, we don't sell pork here! Don't mock my beliefs!" he said angrily, and I moved aside. Making new friends on your first day already, I thought. A few minutes later I encountered a type of food I've never seen before - cheese. It seemed strange - I knew somehow this was made from the milk of cows and other animals, but in my days milk wasn't considered food, especially cow's milk, which wasn't fit for Elven or Human consumption. Apparently, nowadays it was considered to be a gourmet food, apparently, which seemed odd because it smelled horrible. "Would you like to try it?"</p><p>Asked the cheese lady. Well, Namo said to go with the flow... So I said yes. The cheese-lady cut a small piece of cheese called "Camembert" and handed it to me; here goes, I thought as I opened my mouth and the smell hit me - and holly crap, that was good! It turned out you humans don't have such bad tastes after all, I mean, cheese is one of the best things I've ever tasted. When I'm back in Eldamar I must learn how to make these myself, I resolved, and sighed. I wonder if Aman changed as much as Arda.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I have no further ideas. It's beyond me" I said and stretched backwards on my seat; I was sitting in the library with a friend, Ruth, trying to finish our problem sheet for the week. "I have no ideas either" she said, "I was kinda hoping you could solve it". "Don't make me blush" I said sarcastically, "I suggest we call it a day? We both better get home before the storm starts" I added, and looked outside; it was late evening, and the rain was pouring heavily. I a few hours a snowstorm was supposed to begin, and a fierce one at that, if to judge by the winds.</p><p>"Actually, my roommates and I are holding a snow-party at my place. Wanna join?"</p><p>"A snow party? What's that?"</p><p>"Oh, a get together to watch the snow fall". I stared at her, confused; "why so serious? It could be fun. There would be alcohol involved" she said. To be frank, I wasn't eager to join in – the last snow-storm I witnessed was in Amon Ereb, and it wasn't pretty. However, for some reason, in this part of the world people were excited about snowstorms, so go figure (perhaps it has something to do with snow being such a rare occurrence). "Sure, why not" I said and put on my coat.</p><p>A few minutes later we were walking from Campus to Ruth's apartment; it was a few blocks away, not too far away from the city center. "By the way Daniel, I've been meaning to ask, are you alright?"</p><p>"Err, I guess so. Why?"</p><p>"I dunno, I mean, you've become so… Distant, yes, distant these past few weeks. Is everything alright?"</p><p>"Yes, I think" I said, racing my mind to invent a plausible lie - until I figured it was totally unnecessary; "well, to be honest, the Daniel you know is dead. I'm a prehistoric fire spirit possessing his undead corpse" I said. "Very funny, now, don't evade my question. Are you alright? I mean, Esti told me that breakup was nasty but I…". Oh fuck, I thought, scanning Daniel's memories; yes, he broke up with his human girlfriend for some unexplained reason, which was why he drank himself to death – that much I already knew.</p><p>I needed an excuse, pronto – and again, I figured, the truth might set me free. "Oh, err, yeah" I said and scratched my neck, feigning inconvenience, "don't tell anyone, but I'm gay. That's why I broke up with her" (that was a lie, of course – according to Daniel's memories, the reason was him being a pig). Ruth stared at me in disbelief, and I was worried for a moment – I know you humans are sometimes sensitive to LGBT issues (although to be honest, the Noldor weren't much better), and I awaited her response. Of my human friends, she was the most bearable (or, to be precise, there's a limit to how much patient and understanding I can be around frat boys). "Oh, wow, that's… A revelation" she said, "although I'd be lying if I said I never suspected it". Of course you did, I thought, breathing a mental sigh of relief. "Actually, I've invited a few gay and bi friends over, you could meet someone". "Sure, why not" I said, trying my best to look enthusiastic.</p><p>When we arrived at Ruth's place, the party was already in full swing; the small apartment was decorated with Christmas ornaments (even though it was late January), and it was already packed with students – some of which I recognized from Campus. "Ruth, Daniel, join in" said Shir, one of Ruth's roomies. She was clearly slightly flustered, and handed us both shots of vodka; "to the snow!" said Ruth and we toasted. "I need another one" I said, and went to grab another drink; I poured myself a shot of whiskey and turned around to see a blonde kid, a head shorter than me and no older than twenty years, looking at me. He was clearly slightly drunk, wearing a Santa hat for some reason; "pass me the bottle when you're done, would you?"</p><p>"Aren't you a bit young to get wasted?" I asked, amused, and looked at his eyes – and then my heart skipped a bit. I knew this face, I knew these piercing blue eyes – this kid looked exactly like someone that I used to know, although I couldn't quite put my finger on who that person was. It was not Findarato, it certainly wasn't a Nolofiniwion or one of my brothers. To make matters worse, his face suggested he was shocked at seeing me as well; "Daniel, right?"</p><p>He asked suspiciously, staring into my eyes. "Yes, and you are…?" I asked, noting how he dropped the act. He wasn't drunk, and judging at how he looked at me, I knew he recognized me – by that stage I was pretty much convinced he tried to use Osanwe (yet failed). Looking at his face now, he seemed much older – much, much older. "Here" I said, handing him the bottle; "Lahav, I major in history and philosophy. First year" he said. "Cool, I'd be graduating next year. Physics" I said, trying desperately to put the finger who that Lahav kid is.</p><p>"Better grab a seat next to the TV everyone! We're about to screen GOT, the last two episodes" said Ruth. I sat on a dusty sofa, taking the seat closest to the door, and for some annoying reason that Lahav kid sat next to me. I constantly felt his mind trying to read mine, to converse with me, but I ignored it.</p><p>At this point, my dear readers, you may be wondering why I picked the seat closest to the door. Well, you seen– I hate GOT. Or to be precise, I don't think dragons are cool. You may be thinking about them as literary figures, a plot device or a scare tale invented for children – I, however, remember them vividly. Needless to say, these are not memories I would like to dwell on – and precisely for that reason, I avoided watching Game of Thrones as best as I could. Sure, Daniel watched some of it and I could scroll through his memories, but from the little I gathered I was horrified. Dragons aren't a plot device, they're a nightmare come to life.</p><p>"Oooh, I like that one" said Lahav as the episode started playing; "this is where Khaleesi burns an entire city to the ground" he said, excited, as the white-haired lady ordered her fell beast to blast an entire navy to oblivion. The more I saw of the episode the more nauseous I became, as memories from the Nirnaeth started flooding in; memories of fire drakes issuing from the gates of Angband, the stence of rotting flesh, Valaraukar scouring Anfauglith in search of captives… "I need some fresh air" I said and got out, staring at the evening sky. At this point it was beginning to snow, and I could see the small and delicate ice crystal falling gently from the sky. By some strange occurrence, Tillion was visible in all his glory. I sighed, and took a deep breath; I was about to go back inside, when I realized I wasn't alone.</p><p>"Hello Lahav" I said, not bothering to turn around. "I started snowing" he said; "yes, it appears so" I said; let's see who we're dealing with here, I thought. "So, this is what we've been reduced to? Two ex-Noldorin princes getting drunk at a snow party?" I asked in Quenya.</p><p>Before I could turn around to judge his reaction, I felt a strong punch to my stomach; I staggered backwards and turned to face Lahav, who was furious. "I knew it!"</p><p>He said angrily, "what are you doing here?"</p><p>"While I don't remember you, I would suggest you do not try this again" I said coldly, "if you already know who I am, you probably also know I can take extreme measures when necessary". This seemed to scare him a little, but in the end he laughed; "I wonder whether I should be insulted, cousin" he said, "although then again, we never were so close – neither in Aman or Beleriand". "Let's skip the formalities, shall we?"</p><p>"Very well, cousin" he said, and frowned; "what the fuck are you doing here?"</p><p>"I could ask you the same, if I knew who you are". "Of course, where are my manners" he said, "I am Aikanaro, son of Arafinwe. Now, let me ask again - what the fuck are you doing here?"</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We just stood there and stared at each other for a few minutes. Aikanaro clearly was unhappy at seeing me, and I was equally shocked.</p><p>"So… Err, goodbye cousin"; I turned around and was about to leave. "Wait!"</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"You need to answer some questions". "Oh, do I?" I said and kept on going, "forget you even saw me, we will not meet again". He ran and blocked my way; "you are not leaving before you answer my questions". I laughed; "go away, kid. I have work to do". And yet, he was steadfast and stared at me with anger; "what are you doing here?"</p><p>"What I was sent here by Namo. Some unfinished business to take care of". I could see the fear in his eyes as I said the last part; "ugh, don't you start. It's not my kin I'm after" I said, "now move aside". "No, you need to answer to us!"</p><p>"Us? You mean you're not alone?"</p><p>He was taken aback; oh Aikanaro, I thought, you never were one for subtleties!</p><p>"Cousin dear, if you do not wish to see me again you need only say so. The same is true for any other Elda – now, move aside", I ordered, gathering all my (diminished) stature and charisma. "No-not before you tell me why you're here. And not only me".</p><p>I was about to project myself to him as menacing as I could, but then I decided against it; if Aikanaro was here Arafinwe was probably was watching him – and if I am to return to Aman, I cannot go around threatening my cousin. As that thought passed through my mind, so did a shiver, as the memories of Alqualonde, Doriath, and Sirion flashed in front of me; no, I will not repeat these mistakes. I sighed and said "I cannot tell you why, not here anyway. Let me go, and I swear you will never see me again".</p><p>"Why not here?"</p><p>" The enemy is always on the watch. Is that enough of an explanation?"</p><p>His face turned pale; "enemy?"</p><p>"Yes, cousin. You have read the LOTR, right?"</p><p>"I watched the movies". "Well, that should give you a clue why I'm here" I said, "now, will you kindly let me go? I've said enough already, and he may be watching". Well, that was a lie – I knew perfectly well Sauron's presence could be felt and so was his attention, and right now I wasn't his focus. However, it might be enough to convince my cousi- "I… No, if that's correct, we're in a terrible danger".</p><p>"We? I guess you're not referring to you and me".</p><p>"We need to go now" he said, and texted someone. "You are coming with me" he said; I was about to say something along the lines of "fuck off", and then I felt how fearful he was and decided to play along. Aikanaro was genuinely worried; "if we are to leave now, we need an excuse. How much did you drink?"</p><p>Aikanaro stared at me, confused; "we need to leave without looking suspicious. You need to appear drunk, and I will escort you home". He was about to protest; "no, if you realized my identity it means others may too. We need to look as human as possible until we're at your place" I ordered, "and by the way, how did you recognize me? I don't look like my old self".</p><p>"Fine" he answered begrudgingly; "great. Now, you go inside and pretend to drink some more". "I don't have to pretend". "Whatever" I said, "but when I come back, you must act drunk enough to give me an excuse to take you home. Don't be afraid to throw up or cause a scene or whatever" I said, and he glared at me, clearly disgusted at the idea. "It has to appear believable. If He has a pair eyes in that crowd, who knows what they saw already".</p><p>"And you think you will go unnoticed? Cousin dear, you radiate power. You have a tattoo on your right arm, you're a redhead and your eyes look the same. That's how I recognized you". "Oh, don’t worry about me" I said and smiled, "I have an idea". "Oh? Let's hear the all-wise Nelyafinwe gets out of this one - without his cousin's assistance".</p><p>"Mock me all you want" I said and scrolled through Daniel's contacts; "but I have a plausible excuse. I'm gonna call my ex-girlfriend and be a dick" I said, and opened my phone. I signaled Aikanaro to go back inside; "hi, Esti? It's Daniel, I have a confession to make" I said, observing how anxious she was the other end of the line.</p><p>"I lied when we broke up. I'm actually gay" I said loudly, knowing I'd be heard. "Oh, that's… Great for you" she said, confused and slightly hurt. Good, that's the time to rub it in, I thought; "I'm so sorry, it's just that I was always disgusted with your body. I mean, don't feel bad about it, it was me. It wasn't you being fat or anything, I'm just disgusted by vaginas".</p><p>"Oh, fuck you Daniel!"</p><p>Great, that's my cue. "You know what? You're a fucking homophobe!" I scram into my phone, knowing full that part of my "conversation" was well heard inside. I then hung up and came back into Ruth's flat, with everyone staring at me. I walked straight to the bar and poured myself three consecutive shots of Tequilla, after which Ruth came up; "are you alright?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'm fine" I said, feigning anger, and poured myself another shot when I heard a glass break. Aikanaro was throwing up on the floor, mumbling something about him loving to smoke weed on Sundays. After that he crashed to his knees, barely getting up; "you just had to invite him, didn't you?" said Ruth, glaring at her roommate. I hurried to Aikanaro and "helped" him get up; "listen, Ruth, I think I should call it a day. I will take him home, I'm not in the mood for a party anyway". "OK, thanks" she said, annoyed, and hurried to get some paper towels and a mop.</p><p>***</p><p>
  <em>How much did you drink?</em>
</p><p><em>About two more shots of Vodka, and a beer</em>, answered Aikanaro in Osanwe. We kept the act, walking in the snowy street. "Wake up you drunken moron" I said angrily, and elbowed him, in case someone was watching.</p><p>
  <em>What was that for? </em>
</p><p><em>We need to look the part</em>, I thought at him, and he only elbowed me back.</p><p><em>Listen, Nely- </em>he began; <em>don't call me that</em>, I thought. <em>Fine, Mai-Maedhros, I gotta know, did you…?</em></p><p>
  <em>Did I what?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>You know, the Silmarillion. Did it actually happen?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What do you mean?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Did you really…?</em>
</p><p><em>Oh, yeah, it all happened, and I'm the one to blame</em>, I thought at him. Some of the perks of using Osanwe are that you could sense what the other was thinking. He probably felt my sadness at the admission of guilt, possibly also my shame; I only felt his disbelief, disgust, and fear - he was terrified of me<em>.</em></p><p>
  <em>Let me assure you, I am here only as a penance. If you so wish, you will never see me again.</em>
</p><p>After that, we did not speak a single word until we reached his house. "Here we are" he said coldly when we were at the door. "Open up!" he said, banging the door – we were greeted by a tall, half-naked man, sleepy and drowsy. He had a tangled dark hair, and I opened my mouth in disbelief. No, it couldn't be! He stared at me with the same shock, and possibly some horror.</p><p>"Put a shirt on, Arakano. We have a visitor".</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Let me get this straight – Namo sent you here?"</p><p>"Indeed. And if necessary, you will not see me ever again" I said; Arakano was staring at me, dumbfounded, while Aikanaro was leaning against the walls, hands crossed, with some unreadable expression on his face. "Hold on, I have a few questions. Also, aren't you interested to know why we're-". "No, I don't care. And I'll say to you the same thing I said to Aikanaro" I said and gestured – "all that you've read in the Silmarillion is true, I'm a thrice-guilty kinslayer. Obviously, you two are not interested in my company and vice versa, so can we call it a day?".</p><p>Both were taken aback; "actually, no. I have some other questions" said Aikanaro. "you said you were after the enemy. Care to elaborate?"</p><p>"If you insist, however – before I do so you two must swear to never speak of it outside this house. And also, you must swear to never speak Quenya or Sindarin outside as well".</p><p>"Swear it? Why?"</p><p>"I'll explain after you do it" I said impatiently, "I don't think you understand how serious this is", I said, and then added "unlike you two, I do remember the enemy". Both seemed insulted by that last remark but I didn't care, and moved towards the door; "swear it now, by Illuvatar, or I'm out".</p><p>Aikanaro sighed; "I solemnly swear to never speak of the enemy outside this house, and to never speak Quenya or Sindarin or any other tongue from the elder days beyond this door. Eru Illuvatar, you bear witness to my oath, and you shall hold me accountable for it". Arakano stared at him, puzzled, and after a moment repeated his words; "good" I said, "let's get this over with". "Great. A beer anyone?" Asked Aikanaro; I declined.</p><p>"Sauron is back".</p><p>Both spilled their drinks. "What do you mean by "he's back"?" demanded Aikanaro; "that he's back, like, the literal meaning of it". I took a deep breath; "I was sent here by the Valar to hunt him down. If I'm successful I will return to Aman, likely to face trial". Both my cousins were equally shocked.</p><p>"Now, up until tonight I was sure I looked human enough to blend in. However, meeting Aikanaro in that snow party proved otherwise. Sauron does not yet know of my existence, or at least so I think – however, if Aikanaro was able to recognize me and I him, it means Sauron can as well. You two must keep a low profile" I said, got up, and walked to the door.</p><p>"Wait" said Arakano, "I think you better stay here with us". "Huh?"</p><p>I turned around and saw Arakano staring at me, dead serious, with Aikanaro glaring at him for the suggestion; I could hear how angry his thoughts were. Be that as it may, Arakano couldn't care less; "if he is back, we need you close by, and vice versa". "Oh?"</p><p>"Do not mistake it for kindness" said Arakano with a voice as cold as ice, "neither me or Aikanaro are interested in your company – however, if he is back, we three must coordinate our moves. We cannot go on carelessly as before" he said, looking behind his shoulder at Aikanaro. I sighed; no, this will not do. "As I've said earlier, cousin dear, if my sudden appearance troubles you, just say it and I'd be gone. I promise to keep my distance, and as you know – I'm a man of my word".</p><p>"No, you said it yourself. If we could recognize you so easily, so would Sauron. Once you're eliminated, he will search for other Eldar. In other words, if you fail, he will go after us. We need you close by". "By this reasoning, finding me would lead him to you". "I know" said Arakano, "but if you suddenly disappear, we will know it's time to flee".</p><p>Arakano's words made sense – and as it appeared, Aikanaro accepted this reasoning; oh joy. "Fine" I said, "but I have a few conditions" I said, much to my cousins' annoyance. "First, I wanna know why were you sent to this day and age". "Namo sent us here to heal" said Aikanaro. "Both of you need healing? Oh well. I don't remember Arakano here present in Bele-". "You'd be surprised at what we endured on the ice" said Arakano coldly. I ignored him; "my second condition is that you clean this place up. I'm not leaving one filthy bachelor pad for another. Oh, and I also get my own room – that's it".</p><p>Arakano and Aikanaro looked at me, surprised, then looked at each other, and started laughing. "That's all? I thought you'd drive a harder bargain" said Aikanaro. "I'm not here to bargain with you, I have better things to do", I said, "and quite frankly, you two can drop the act. I know you're not happy with this, and neither am I". "Why would you think that?"</p><p>"Give me break. You really think I cannot hear your Osanwe conversations?"</p><p>Both stared at me in surprise. "Save it for later" I said, "and quite frankly, as things stand I doubt this arrangement could work, so goodbye" I said and turned around. "So, it is honesty you're after? Oh well" said Arakano angrily, "I've never liked you, even in Eldamar. I have no idea what my brother found in you, and I'm only glad he wasn't there to see you fall". Now, that stung, but my face remained still; I bowed mockingly, and then moved again towards the door. "As I've said earlier, dear cousins, we will not see each other again".</p><p>"Wait Ne-Maedhros!"</p><p>Aikanaro rushed and stood before me; "please, don't leave. It would be safer with you around and I'm sure Arakano didn't-". "I'm not insulted by the truth" I lied, "I honestly don't think this could work". "Now its my turn to speak" he said angrily, blocking the door; "why are you so eager to avoid us?" he asked. "From the moment you walked in you insulted us, you're being deliberately annoying and you know it. You also know perfectly well what Arakano said is correct. Staying all at one place would be safer, considering the circustances".</p><p>"Because I'm no longer one of the Eldalie!" I said angrily. "You think I want to be in reincarnated in this human body? Do you think I want to go back to Aman? No! I'm here because it's the least I could do. If it were up to me, I'd stay in Mandos". "The least you could do?"</p><p>"I've led two kinslayings out of three, and the Nirnaeth Arnoediad was mostly my fault. So yes, becoming a henchman for the Valar is the least I could do". <em>And I thought I had healing to do,</em> I've heard Aikanaro thinking; "don't pity me, cousin. After all, my troubles are of my own making. And yes, Arakano there has all the right to blame me for whatever" I said angrily, and Aikanaro was taken aback.</p><p>"Actually, err, thinking about it, I can't blame you for anything".</p><p>I turned around, surprised; "you refused burning the ship, or at least that's what I've heard", he said. "My reasons weren't as noble as you may think". "From what I've understood, you defied Feanaro in Losgar"; "that's more or less correct". "And that you gave up the crown, although you didn't have to".</p><p>"Your father had more right to rule anyway, and his host was larger. By that stage I was king in name only". He looked at me, inquisitive; "did anyone tell you you're a bad liar? You're hiding something. I've spoken with my father in Mandos. It was clear he hated your guts, but he wouldn't say why". I sighed; "trust me, you don't wanna know". "Findekano, on the other hand, he adored you. Even after he saw what you did on the tapestries" he added. "Why would my dad hate you, and why would my brother adore you, no matter what? Even in Mandos, he kept talking about you all the time. Did you see him, even once?"</p><p>"Nope. The last time I spoke to Findekano was a week before the Nirnaeth". Goddammit, Arakano was perceptive; too perceptive. He was reminiscent of Turukano, who was also preceptive (although I guess Arakano wasn’t as strict or conservative). "You know, I cannot fail to notice you're provoking us on purpose, it's as if you want us to kick you out. I have a theory" he said, and my heart started beating; "you and my brother, you weren't just close friends. You were a couple". Fuck, FUCK. I had to think fast how to reply; there was no point denying it now – one of the perks of being a red hair is that when your face turns red, no one fails to notice. "Congrats" I said dryly, "you figured it out. Can I go now? I have a hunt to manage".</p><p>Arakano stared at me, shocked; we stared at each other for a moment, until Aikanaro broke the ice. "Oh, I don't care you're gay" he said, "and I'm sure Arakano doesn't either" he added, and Arakano nodded in agreement. "Oh, please spare me the "we're all accepting and tolerant" act". No offense, if there's something I don't miss it’s the company of Elves. Let's face it, the Eldar are a bunch of annoying prudes and quite frankly, I have better uses for my time". "Oh, I can assure you I'm not a prude" said Aikanaro, smiling wickedly, and handed me his phone; "check my data usage. The app I use most is Tinder" he proclaimed proudly. "I could've manage without that information" I murmured, and he turned serious again. "Please, Maedhros, I beg you, give it a chance. I know there's a lot of bad blood between you and us, but if Sauron is back we must stick together. You know it as well as I do". I looked at Aikanaro and then at Arakano, and both seemed in agreement.</p><p>I sighed; "very well. I guess we could give it a shot".</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I doubt Makalaure would approve this music" I heard Aikanaro saying from behind me. "Yeah, I don't think Gothic Metal is his style" I answered, without turning around.</p><p>"So, up for anything tonight?"</p><p>"I have this paper to finish, so no" I said, not even bothering to look back. "Oh, come on N-Meadhros, what good is sitting all along in your room…" he started singing. "First, it's "all alone", not "all along". Second, you know, most worksheets don't solve themselves". "Ugh, don't be such a buzzkill". I put down my pencil; "you're really into this whole drunk fratboy, huh?"</p><p>"Come on, it's Friday night and I wanna get wasted" said Aikanaro and stood in front of me; "besides, we're going to a gay bar tonight". "We?"</p><p>"Arakano is coming with". "Arakano, did you put him up to this?"</p><p>"Hell no" said Arakano, coming from the kitchen; "he nagged me until I agreed". "You see? Cool. So you're coming, right?". "Must I?"</p><p>"When was the last time you went out to meet other gays?"</p><p>"Are we really doing this again?" I asked, annoyed, and turned around; it had been two weeks since I moved in with my cousins. Surprisingly enough, Arakano and I got along; I kept my nose out of his business, and he didn't interfere in mine. Aikanaro, on the other hand… He was, for some strange reason, obsessed with trying to set me up – by which I mean that constantly tried introducing me to his gay friends. It was amusing at first, and then it became just… Plain weird. I was pretty sure he was straight (considering that he showed up with another girl at least twice a week), which made it all even weirder. After any such hook up he would drink at least two pints of beer and get drunk, usually dragging a reluctant Arakano with him (and lately, me as well). This was one such time.</p><p>"Seriously? Do you even remember her name?"</p><p>"No, why should I?"</p><p>I sighed; "Aikanaro, I really need to finish this". "If he's not going neither am I!" yelled Arakano from his room and shut the door. "Please, I would feel awkward, being the only straight in the village". "Introducing you to Little Britain was a bad idea" I said. "Please come! When was the last time you went to a gay bar?"</p><p>"I'm not really into hookups" I said and stretched, "and no, I'm not gonna download grinder", I added before he was about to say anything. "Well, then you should". "I should do what?"</p><p>"Both. Now come on". "Fine" I said and sighed, "I can't work like that anyway".</p><p>"Cousin, what is it with you and the drunk fratboy act?"</p><p>"Well, it's fun" he said, and from the way he looked at me it was clear he was insincere. "Cousin dear, why did Namo send you to these times?"</p><p>"Because I wasn't healing in Mandos" he said; "that's not what I asked". "It's the best answer you're gonna get" he answered coldly, and I knew better than to push it further.</p><p> </p><p>**</p><p>We arrived at the bar sometime later – it was the worst kind I could imagine. "This is the best gay bar in Jerusalem" Aikanaro proclaimed proudly, and my stomach turned. It was crowded, it was dark, it reeked of smoke – and to top it all, the music was loud and trashy.</p><p>We sat on the bar; "I think we better go somewhere else" I said quietly. "Why? Look how everyone's looking at us" he said, and turned to the bartender; "one large pint and a whiskey. No ice". Our drinks arrived in an instant; "cheers" I said, and Aikanaro looked at me, beaming and drinking his beer. "Look how they're all staring at me" he said proudly, winking at the bartender. "You're young and you're blonde. What did you expect?"</p><p>"Jealous much?"</p><p>"You wish". "You know, sometimes I wish I was gay" he said, staring into his half-empty glass, "it's so much easier for you". "Dude, are you seriously saying the gays are having it easy?"</p><p>"Well, no, not like that. It's just that it's so easy for you to find a partner" he said and looked at me; "what? You think it was easy for me? I was lucky Findekano was also into it. If he wasn't, my life would've been miserable". "Tell me about it" he said and his face darkened for a moment, only to brighten up again. "I need to take a leak" he said, while I ordered a shot of Tequila.</p><p>When Aikanaro was back, I immediately spotted something wasn't right. His pupils were wide and he was much, much more energetic than usual. "Come Maitimo, let's dance!" he said and dragged me from my seat, dancing ecstatically; "are you alright?"</p><p>I asked as he was dragging me to the dance floor; "better than ever!" he said frantically and jumped on me. "I'm gonna stop you right there" I said, uncomfortable. "Why? Think of it as a date! I'm gay for pay" he said mockingly. Too many eyes were drawn to us; "shut up. We're going home" I said angrily, but Aikanaro didn't listen and walked away from me, attracting guys all around him. I suddenly saw someone grabbing him towards the toilet, and in that instant Aikanaro dropped to the floor, throwing up. I hurried to his side, shoving that man away from. "Get your own" said that man, and I pushed him against the wall. "You tried assaulting my cousin" I said coldly, "you should be glad I don't carry weapons" I added, and threw him across the room with all the force I could muster - which ended up breaking a table. I turned around, picked Aikanaro and moved towards the door; "didn't you forget anything?"</p><p>I turned around and saw the bartender glaring at me. "No, I don't think so" I said coldly; "you and your junkie friend owe me money, freaks!"</p><p>"It was you who put something in my cousin's beer, right?"</p><p>"How dare you…". "I'm leaving, with my cousin" I said angrily, "if you wanna stop me, call the police. I dare you". "I'm calling them right now!"</p><p>"Go on then" I said, "I will tell them how you and this guy tried drugging and assaulting my cousin. I'm sure they'd be very interested". We glared at each other for a few moments, and then he put down his phone. "I thought so", I said and turned around; "don't you ever come back here!"</p><p>"Don't worry about it, your drinks suck!"</p><p>**</p><p>"Nelyo" I heard Aikanaro murmuring when I carried him home; "I'm sorry". "Please don't tell me you also use drugs". "I don't, I only smoke weed". "At least that".</p><p>"I'm sorry you got into this mess" he said, partially sobbing. He was clearly drugged out of his senses; I put him down on a small bench and stretched. "I know I shouldn't call you Nelyo, but it's strange. You're no Sinda… I'm so sorry". "Don't worry about it".</p><p>"I'm sorry for tonight, I was only trying to help. I know what it's like to lose your love for eternity" he said; "Huh?"</p><p>"Namo sent me here so I could get over Andreth. I can't, I just can't" he said and started sobbing, "whenever I sleep with someone, I always think of her. That's why I drink". I sighed; "I'm not that different from you, cousin" I said and put Aikanaro back on his feet; "I cannot sleep with other men. I just cannot bring myself to it, and probably never will". "When we're back at Valinor, I will be your wingman" he proclaimed, but I was no longer listening. I didn't need Aikanaro to know I've lost Findekano forever - but by Eru, this time it stang harder than ever.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Don't ask" I told Arakano as we got home; Aikanaro was zig-zagging his way to his room, yelling drunken insults in Quenya directed at who-knows-what. "Actually, I think I better ask" he said, inquisitively. "Someone tried slipping something in his drink" I answered dryly. "Oh". "Mind watching over him? I must get some sleep" I said, not waiting for his reaction.</p><p>I fell asleep shortly after, and had one of the worst nightmares I ever had. In my dream, I was outside a large, glassy, tower, sitting on a bench and eating a croissant. A voice to my right said "Nelyafinwe"; I turned around to see Namo, sitting next to me. He looked like an old man, with strange glasses and a long, dark beard, holding a newspaper in his hand.</p><p>"I come bearing a massage, Nelyafinwe"; "don't call me that". He ignored me; "your cousin joined you here, in Endore". "Which cousin?" I asked with dread. From Namo's smile I realized exactly who he was talking about; "why?"</p><p>"He decided to give you one last chance". "Huh?"</p><p>"He asked for this one act of kindness" said Namo, and his face suddenly turned stern. "If you fail to approach him in this life, your memory will be wiped clean from his mind". My heart sank; "what?"</p><p>"Your cousin cannot heal without you by his side" said Namo, "and I offered to erase his memories". My heart sank; "this is your last chance, Feanorion" said Namo, "if you fail to confess your love to him today, you two will be sundered for the rest of eternity". I stared at Namo, my heart beating fast. I felt tired and desperate; "would you accept that fate, Nelyafinwe? Unlike your cousin, your memories will not be erased. You are less deserving of this kindness".</p><p>I took a while to answer him, not knowing what to say ; "where is he?"</p><p>"He is a doctor, working in this hospital" said Namo, and gestured at the glass tower behind us. I looked at him again; "what are you waiting for?"</p><p>I got up and walked swiftly towards the entrance. A moment before I got inside, I felt a sudden, sharp pain in my chest. I fell to my knees, panting, seeing the hospital door close. "He is on the third floor!" yelled Namo from behind; my eyesight was clouded by pain and my legs were barely responding, but somehow, I managed to drag myself, coughing and limping, into the building.</p><p>I then heard a ticking sound from above me, and looked up; I saw a large clock, ticking, set on two minutes till midnight. The instant I saw that clock I knew what it meant – when it reaches midnight, Findekano will forget me forever. The pain in my chest grew stronger and my paces seemed slower, but somehow I managed to get myself into the elevator; when the clock showed one minute to midnight, I finally got to the third floor.</p><p>However, as soon as the elevator's doors opened I crashed outside, my legs becoming too weak to carry me. "Sir, do you need any assistance?" a nurse asked; I wanted to answer, but instead I only coughed up blood all over the floor. <em>Ten, nine, eight, seven</em>… I heard Namo's voice proclaiming in my head. I looked around me, desperately – there were many people gathering around me, but Findekano was not among them; "please tell Findekano that I love him, and that I'm sorry" I begged in my last breath. And then, the clock exploded and everything turned dark</p><p>That's it, I thought bitterly, I lost him forever – and I could only blame myself, again; no words could describe my grief and terror. I let out a cry of pain:</p><p>"Surprise!"</p><p>I jumped from my bed, sweating and panting. I saw Aikanaro standing at the side of my bed, staring at me. "Are you alright?"</p><p>"Wait what…? I'm naked, get the fuck out! Ever heard of knocking?!"</p><p>"Ugh, don’t be so grumpy. I just wanted to tell you that as a surprise, I took some pictures of you while you were asleep, and posted them on your brand new Grindr account".</p><p>"YOU DID WHAT?!"</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Get the fuck outta my way!"</p><p>I said to a confused Arakano, as Aikanaro was cowering behind him. "Wow, you're super angry this morning. It's as if you're about to commit a fourth kinslaying while being half naked" said Arakano, amused. "And I'm gonna enjoy this one" I said, trying to push him aside. "What the hell is wrong with you?"</p><p>"I was only trying to help" murmured a frightened Aikanaro; "I told you to stay the fuck out of my sex-life!"</p><p>"Don't you mean love-life?"</p><p>"That does it" I said, and finally managed to shove Arakano away. I grabbed Aikanaro by his collar only to hear the sound of a camera shot taken; I looked to my right and saw Arakano holding up his phone, amused. "Delete. It. Now".</p><p>"Sure, after I post it" he said, "this is epic - hashtag ginger on blonde action". I dropped Aikanaro; "remind me cousin dear, why am I living with you?"</p><p>"Because you care deeply for your Finwean relatives" said Arakano, not lifting his gaze from the screen. "You know, my followers think you're the top" he said, looking at Aikanaro. "Oh, do they?"</p><p>I snatched Aikanaro's phone from his hand and smashed it to pieces. "Next time, it would be your console, and all your books. Don't mess with my life" I told a frightened Aikanaro, who fled to his room or wherever, leaving me and Arakano alone in the living room. "WTF is wrong with him?"</p><p>"With him? No, Maedhros, what the heck is your problem" answered Arakano. "Excuse me?"</p><p>"Well, yeah, I know he can be annoying. But I when I looked into your eyes, there was so much fire there… I mean, he only opened you a Grindr account". "Ugh, seriously?"</p><p>"Yes" he answered coldly. "You have some issues, cousin" said Arakano, "anger issues, privacy issues, and your lack of interest in social interaction is also unhealthy – to say the least". "And now you're an authority on health?"</p><p>"Well, my professors are. You never inquired what I actually study, did you?"</p><p>My silence gave away my ignorance; "pre-med, if you were wondering. And yeah, it's crystal clear you're not alright". "My physical health is likely fine. If I were you, I would be more worried Aikanaro has advanced cirrhosis". "You really can't take any criticism, can you?"</p><p>"Whatever you say". "Please N-Maedhros, I really am concerned for your well-being. You seem to suffer from PTSD, Survivor's Guilt, Anger Issues, and Depression. You really need to see a therapist". "So now you're an expert on mental health?"</p><p>"No, but I am an expert on living with PTSD" he said, sadly, "you can blame your father for that". I stared at him; "I meant the Helcaraxe". "I know what you meant" I said, and I suddenly realized how tired I felt (despite it not being even an hour since I woke up). "I know you have nightmares, Maedhros. You scream in your sleep, and you always wake up angry or grumpy" he said, and looking at him I saw he was carefully measuring his words, "I cannot compare anything on the ice to Angamando, but I can tell you that therapy helped me ease some of the pain".</p><p>I sighed; "easy for you to say. Unlike you, I cannot go to a shrink". "Why not?"</p><p>I sighed; does this really need explaining?</p><p>"Why do you think? The moment I'll say "Moringotto" I'd be locked away for good".</p><p>"So don't. Change the setting of your story to this day and age". "Or, wait for it, I could simply wait for the Gardens of Lorien. Or actually, I might skip it altogether" I said, "it would also be much cheaper".</p><p><em>Money is not a problem</em>, I heard Namo's voice saying (much to my dismay). "Well, it could also help you find Sauron". "What, you mean a Silence of the Lambs style? I gotta say that I prefer to picture myself as Hannibal rather tha-". "No", he said, irritated, "you rarely go out besides your studies and you eschew most human contact. You'd never find Sauron at this rate. He is probably in disguise, poisoning hearts as he goes – and unless you learn to be more social, you don't stand a chance".</p><p>I was jawstruck – he was right and I had nothing to say to that; "fine" I said, begrudgingly, "I will go to a therapist - on my own terms. But don't you dare tell any of it to Aikanaro, and don't you dare try and follow me". "Don't be so melodramatic. I don't care, and Aikanaro probably learnt his lesson about messing with you".</p><p>Speeding events forward a bit, some days later I was sitting on a couch in opposite to a therapist, whose name was Nienna. OK, well, that's a lie - of course, her real name wasn't Nienna, but for her privacy's sake and the continuity of this tale let's assume it is. Now, back to my story, I was sitting in Nienna's clinic, staring at her. She was a middle-aged woman, with a dark brown hair and a French accent. "So, Daniel, what brings you here today?"</p><p>"To be honest, I have no idea" I said; "I mean, my friend-well, actually, my cousin, thinks I should go to therapy and I decided to give it a shot". "OK" she said, writing something in her notebook, "why does he think you need therapy?"</p><p>"Oh, err, well, he thinks I have anger issues, PTSD, and what not. All because I chased my other cousin throughout our apartment". "And do you think you have those?"</p><p>"Ye- err, I'm not sure" I said, feeling uncomfortable, seeing how she picked on that. "I mean, a few years back I have been through some rough shit, but I don't feel traumatized by it" I said, and then realized "wait, this makes it even worse, doesn't it?"</p><p>"Why do you think so?"</p><p>"It probably makes me a psychopath or something like that, unable to feel emotion". "OK, first let me assure you that it is unlikely you're a psychopath, even if Dr. Google claims otherwise" she said, smiling, "and second, different people may respond differently to the same events".</p><p>"At least that" I said bitterly. "So, what would you like to talk about? You said you had a spat with your cousin?"</p><p>"Yeah, he was super annoying" I said. "What did he do?"</p><p>I told her; "your cousin does sound a bit annoying, but it also sounds your reaction was disproportionate to say the least" said Nienna, and asked "how is your relationship with your cousins? You're roommates, right?"</p><p>"Yes, we are. And strained, I guess". "Strained? Why?"</p><p>"A long time ago I did something terrible to them" I said, trying to sound as sincere as possible. Nienna was looking at me inquisitively; "and did they forgive you for it?"</p><p>"I don't think so, although I don't know. One of them, the one I told you about, constantly wants me to go out with him for drinks. The other… I have no idea what he thinks". "If you don't mind me asking, why are you living with them?"</p><p>"It's a long story" I said, "but in short, they're my only family and for some reason they're putting up with me. I have no idea why, to be honest – I'm certain they hate me, and only trying to be polite". "Hmm… Your only family? No parents, brothers, sisters…?"</p><p>"I had six brothers, all dead - because of me" I said. "I'm very sorry to hear. How about your parents?"</p><p>"My father is also dead, although he disowned me just before he died". "Oh, why did he do that?"</p><p>"Because I'm gay" I said. "I understand. And what about your mother?"</p><p>"We haven't spoken in ages, and she probably hates me anyway. I deserted her, and after that all my brothers died because of me so she must hate me" I said. "What happened, if I may ask? It's not something illegal, right?" asked Nienna, moving uncomfortably in her chair.</p><p>"No, I wish it were, but it weren't. It's a long story" I said. "Well, we have twenty more minutes, so why won't you start at the beginning". I sighed; "my parents were both artists, and I was their eldest child…".</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"It seems you blame yourself for almost everything". "Well, technically, I am to blame for almost anything" I said to Nienna – it had been six weeks since our first meeting, and so far it was pointless; as you may have already figured out, I'm not very good at storytelling. This, in itself, implies that I'm not much of a good liar.</p><p>"Why is it though? You never said the reason you hold yourself accountable for your family's misfortunes". "I wish I could say" I said, "but I cannot". "I don't think I can help you unless you open up" she said. "I know, trust me" I said and looked outside the window; it was night, and we could hear the howls of jackals in the distance. "Enchanting, isn't it?"</p><p>"Huh?"</p><p>"The Jackal's cry, it makes you feel closer to nature" she said, "although it's much less romantic. We only hear their howls because they look for food in our trash". "Listen, Nienna, I'm sorry" I said, "but I don't think this is working". "What do you mean?"</p><p>"I cannot open up to you. I'm not cut out for therapy" I said and got up from my seat. "I understand you may think so, but perhaps we should give it some more time. It is totally natural to feel uncomfortable around strangers". "I wish it were that, but no. I really cannot talk about it with anyone but my cousins". "Why so?"</p><p>"Only they will understand. Well, some of it".</p><p>"Why not all of it?"</p><p>"Because they got off easily, and didn't see it through like me" I said. "How long ago did it all happen?"</p><p>"To me it feels like ages went by since" I said and put on my jacket, "I'm sorry, but I think this is our last meeting". Nienna got up; "I understand, let me walk you to the gate". She escorted me out; "I wish I could tell you what it's all about" I said when we reached the gate. "You could try" she said, but I only nodded my head; "no, I cannot. Sorry" I said, and opene the gate – just to find myself face to face with a pack of wild, famished dogs staring at me.</p><p>I could sense how Nienna saw them as well, and how scared she was. For a moment I hoped they would go away, but then I remembered something Mahtan Aulendur taught me – wolves attack only during winter. Why? Because there's no food. Back then I was a young elfling, traveling the woods with my grandfather; this however was spring, and these weren't wolves. And yet, their eyes betrayed their hunger and desperation; one large dog, probably the leader of the pack, moved forward, about to leap towards me and Nienna. I stared into his eyes, soon realizing the other dogs were also closing in. No, I figured, I will not make it back through the gate in time; then I remembered another thing grandpa Mahtan taught me – "when you encounter a wild animal, Maitimo, never show fear. Even the hungriest wolf wouldn't dare attack an angry boar".</p><p>And so, I took a deep breath; "Yavanna, make them hear me" I whispered into the air. Focusing on my surroundings, I cried "BE GONE!" in Quenya. My voice echoed through the air, moving as a swift gust, shaking the trees and shattering some street lights. The dogs got the message and fled, weeping; I turned around to see Nienna, petrified, staring at me with a mixture of horror and amazement. "What was that?"</p><p>"They realized I am too much too handle, so they left". "No, what did you do?"</p><p>"I made them go away". "Yes, I understand that" she said, slightly irritated, "it looks as if you, err, blew a wind against them". "Technically, yes" I said uncomfortably.</p><p>"Wha-who are you? Your real name is not Daniel, is it?"</p><p>"No, it is not". "May I ask who you are?"</p><p>"You wouldn't believe me even if I told you". "Try me".</p><p>I looked into her eyes; she was frightened of me, and yet, she was also intrigued. It was also clear she realized I am not a human, so I decided to take my chances – at worst, I could always flee and change my identity. "I will not speak of myself in open air" I said, "for I do not know who listens". She was about to protest, and I added "but we may speak inside the walls of your clinic". She nodded her head in approval, and we walked back inside.</p><p>"So, who are you? And more importantly, what are you?"</p><p>She asked coldly as we got back into her office; "I have many names" I said, "my mother named me "Maitimo", on account of my looks. As you can plainly see, I'm no longer worthy of that name". I took a deep breath; "as for what I am, well, it's complicated. Before I became human, I was a Quendi, a "speaker" in my tongue. You humans remember my kind as elves, or at least so I've heard. In modern terms, however, you may think of me as a fire spirit". She stared at me in disbelief; "an elf? You mean like those in the LOTR?"</p><p>"Actually, precisely like them. Although I was active much, much earlier". "I'm sorry, what?"</p><p>I sighed; "I died more than six thousand years before the War of the Ring".</p><p>"I… This doesn't make any sense". "It's a long story".</p><p>"Well, I'm willing to listen", she said, and I immediately answered "the more important question is whether you're willing to believe me". "I just saw you summon a wind and direct it at a pack of street dogs. I think at this stage I can believe anthing". "Very well" I said, "but there are some terms", and before she protested against it, I added "you mustn't write anything I say, nor can you speak about it with anyone. Your knowledge of my identity has to remain hidden".</p><p>"Well, there's something called doctor-patient confidentiality. My license wou-". "No" I said, "what I'm asking goes way beyond that". She looked at me, confused; "as I said, I died many thousands of years ago. I was sent back to accomplish some very specific tasks, and as such my identity has to be kept a secret. I cannot overstress how important this is".</p><p>"I'm guessing you're not only saying it to protect yourself". "No, I am not. If I am exposed, you could also get in trouble". "With who?"</p><p>"Sauron".</p><p>She stared at me in disbelief; "you do realize you're talking about a literary figure, right?"</p><p>I sighed; "I wish that was the case, but no". I shook in my seat; "now, these are the terms. I would like to try – or rather, continue - therapy with you, but you cannot keep any account of me nor can you speak of me to anyone". "Deal".</p><p>I looked at her, surprised – quite frankly, I half expected to be kicked out, and yet here she was, clearly enthusiastic. "Err, if you don't mind me asking – why did you agree? Let me be clear – if Sauron catches me, you will be in a terrible danger".</p><p>"Well, treating you sounds interesting. Of the record, I'm sick of treating rich kids who play pretend with psychological disorders". "Fair enough" I said, amused, "so, let's begin". I took a deep breath and stared outside the window; it was late evening, and my father's star was shining there, as if it was staring at me. I turned my head to look back at Nienna; "I was born in Valinor, long before the sun first rose. My father was Feanaro Curufinwe, the crown prince of the Noldor…".</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"So, this is how it all ended" I said to Nienna, a few weeks later, at the end of a session. "My brother and I stole the Silmarils from the camp of the Valar. Well, actually, not quite".</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"They let us go. I mean, it was a clumsy affair on our side, to say the least" I said, "and you know, throughout it I wished someone would kill me". "Why?"</p><p>"Would you want to live after surviving all I told you about?"</p><p>"Good point". "And I almost got my wish. But, you see, Eru likes to play a little game called "up yours, Maedhros"". "So now you blame god?"</p><p>"It's a figure of speech" I said, impatiently. "We snuck into the tent containing the Silmarils and there they were, unguarded, so we put them in a bag and took them. When we got out, we were circled by guards, and to say we were outnumbered would be an understatement. We were ready to fight no matter what, and inside me I was happy because I knew there was no chance I could survive it" I said, and drank some water; "and then came Eonwe, herald of the Valar – you may think of him as the Greek god Hermes – and with him were Elrond and Elros".</p><p>"And how did you feel seeing them?"</p><p>"Wait, that's not the end of it" I said, taking another sip of water; "he ordered us to surrender the Silmaril and stand trial or else, and we were prepared to fight no matter what. And then Elrond begged Eonwe to spare our lives and let us go. Sadly, he agreed" I said bitterly, feeling a lump in my throat. "When we were far enough, each of us took a Silmaril out of the bag. At that moment we both felt relieved, if only for a brief second. We then realized holding the jewels felt like grasping molten iron in the palm of your hand".</p><p>"What happened then?"</p><p>"I cannot speak for my brother, but I knew I couldn't let go of it, the oath wouldn't let me. Luckily enough, the War of Wrath generated plenty new volcanoes nearby, and being a fire spirit, apparently I was attracted to one. Call it fate if you will" I said, and then gave a dry smile; "I climbed up to the peak of one such volcano, yelled at whoever was listening the oath was fulfilled, and then I jumped. That's how my story ended".</p><p>"Now, I already know I'm a terrible person and whatnot-" I started saying, when Nienna cut me off. "No, please stop talking for a moment. Now it's my turn" she said; "when you spoke of Elrond and Elros earlier, you were uneasy. Why?"</p><p>"I… I don't know". "I actually think you do know. Think harder". "I guess I didn't want them to see me – us – like that". "And why so?"</p><p>"I don't know. I mean, I never was quite there for them. It was Makalaure who raised them, while I only babysat them at most. But for some reason they respected me". "Did they fear you?"</p><p>"Highly probable". "And do you miss them?"</p><p> "Yes" I said, feeling uncomfortable, "every day. I felt terrible when I learnt Elros chose the path of men". "Why so?"</p><p>"Because it meant I would never see him again, neither here nor in Aman - if I ever get back". "And how about Elrond?"</p><p>"I miss him just as much. Guess I grew attached to these two brats" I said, "although I never showed it. In fact, they probably thought I hated them. Well, Elrond probably thinks I still do". "Did you hate them?"</p><p>"No, but I made it clear they should keep their distance. Towards the end I did get to have weekly chats with Elros, but Elrond was always wary of me. I miss them, and I wish I could apologize for everything. I wouldn't dare hope they'd accept my apology, but I still would like to try and make whatever amends are possible".</p><p>"Now, Maedhros, I'm sorry but I must stop you right there. Our time is up, next week same hour, right? We can talk about Elrond and Elros then".</p><p>"Yes, of course".</p><p>"Now, just before you go, I would like to give you my diagnosis – you seem to be suffering from a mixture of PTSD and survivor's guilt. That much you already know – but I think you are also crippled by guilt. In order to move on, you must let it go". "I…". "No, I know, please let me finish".</p><p>"Now, I want you to do as follows – when you're home, try to imagine as if you're talking to your victims, and apologize. And then, try to imagine their response". "Sounds a bit like play pretend, innit?"</p><p>"It most certainly is, and it is not a substitute for anything. But you need closure" she said, "and this might alleviate some of your pain". "Thanks, will do" I said and got up; "you know, I gotta to say I'm surprised you didn't send me away. After all, I led three massacres, and in modern terms I'm a war criminal". "I don't think you're evil, Maedhros" said Nienna, "on the contrary. I have met many good people who committed terrible deeds. For example, my grandfather participated in an ethnic cleansing during the 1948 war, but he still was the kindest person I've ever met. According to him, he did it because it was either that or Arab militias would bomb his town. I'm sure it didn't matter much to those Palestinian villagers who became refugees, and they certainly did not deserve that fate, but my point is he wasn't evil. Sometimes good men commit terrible deeds".</p><p>I was about to say something, but she wouldn't let me; "now, Maedhros, that's it, we'll continue next time. I have another patient to see in a minute, see you next week" she said and showed me to the door.</p><p>I arrived back to my flat some twenty minutes later, and I was alone. There was a note on the living room table saying that Arakano and Aikanaro were at a Campus party, and that I was invited to join them if I wish (you could text me, ugh). I didn't plan to join them, of course – although I knew that eventually I would have to drag myself into one such party if only to shut them up (last time Aikanaro insisted that I should go with them, with Arakano joining in saying my self-imposed isolation is unhealthy). Well, not today – I wanted to get this exercise given to me by Nienna over with.</p><p>I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, and tried thinking to whom I should "apologize" first. Findekano was the first which came to mind, which was silly of me – I mean, after all, there were others upon whom I inflicted much more pain. Elwing, perhaps? Oh, wait – then I realized the person I should first "apologize" to is Makalaure. So, I began picturing him in my mind, until I saw him before me – a husk of a person, with tired eyes, scars, thin hair, and wearing rags. His hands were bandaged by some filthy strips of cloth, and he was standing before me in a cove by a rocky beach. "Makalaure" I started to say, and he just gazed at me, with hatred. He hated me, blamed me for everything (and rightly so, I should add), and he wouldn't want to listen – that much was clear from his eyes. I immediately opened my eyes, shivering.</p><p>OK, bad idea, very bad idea, I thought as I saw my hands trembling. Maybe I should "try" someone else – so I decided to conjure Elrond in my mind; he appeared before me with his shield and sword, roughly like I remembered him from around his seventeenth year. This is dumb; the Elrond who sailed to Aman was a grown elf, and yet here I am, conjuring this boy in my mind. Here goes, I thought; "Elrond" I said, and he turned to me, slightly suspicious. "I'm sorry" I said; "for what?"</p><p>"For everything. For kidnapping you, for making your life with us a living hell, and for everything else I might be forgetting here. You don't have to forgive me, I'd tota-". "You are forgiven" he said, smiling; "Atar, I'm looking forward to meeting you in Valinor. I've missed you for so long" he said. "Elrond, I'm unlikely to ever return" I said, "I'm sorry for all I put you and your brother through. You don't have to call me "father"", I said, and noticed how at the mention of Elros his eyes became sadder. "Well, I consider you my father. Just so you know, you are invited to my house on Tol Eressea". "Again, it is unlikely I will ever return". "Namo said oth-" he started saying, and I immediately opened my eyes, in shock. "Namo" I said into the air, "this conversation actually happened, right?"</p><p><em>Yes, it did</em>. "I can communicate like that…?"</p><p>
  <em>It's called Osanwe.</em>
</p><p>"That's not Osanwe".</p><p>
  <em>Well, call it what you may, this is what happens when you do this trick. Who would you like to talk to next?</em>
</p><p>"There are many" I said bitterly, "as many as the stars in the sky or the grains of sand upon the beach".</p><p><em>There is someone who would like to talk with you</em>. "But I cannot bring myself to speak with him" I said into the air.</p><p>
  <em>Why?</em>
</p><p>"I feel so guilty just by looking at him". <em>Then don't you think it's a good idea to begin there? </em>Asked Namo.</p><p>Fair point, I thought, and pictured Findekano in front of my eyes; the image I saw was that of a King sitting on his throne in Barad Eithel (which was weird, considering how Findekano himself hated formalities). We were in the throne room, which was empty, save for us; there was sun shining through the porch, and the accursed peaks of Thangorodrim were nowhere to be seen. In fact, the view was that of a grassy plain, much like Ard-Galen before the Dagor Bragolach only… Livelier? Anyway, that's not the point; Findekano was there, sitting on the throne, looking as regal as one could, with eyes red, as if he was crying. He was looking at me with sadness and misery, and I could feel how powerless and miserable he felt. Then I looked up, and saw the tapestries of my life hung on the ceiling; "I'm so sorry, Findekano. I'm so sorry, for everything. It's my fault you had to cross the ice, it's my fault you had to live through this nightmare. It's my fault you died. I'm so sorry" I said, as tears were coming to my eyes. Findekano only stared back at me, sad, tired, and disappointed.</p><p>And then, suddenly, the door was opened and I snapped out of my vision; a drunk Aikanaro (followed by a more than grumpy Arakano) entered the room.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Ah, Maedhros! You should have been there" said Aikanaro, zigzagging his way towards me. "It was so much fun!"</p><p>"He drank too much" said Arakano dryly, looking at me; "why are you sitting in the dark?"</p><p>"Long story" I said, not wishing to divulge any details – the last thing I needed was to become a telephone service between Endore and Aman, Mandos, or wherever my Osanwe was capable of taking me. "Don't ask" said Arakano, turning on the light, "our dear cousin drank himself into oblivion. Again. Next time, you're the one taking him". "Excuse me?"</p><p>"I don't give a fuck, I'm done here" said Arakano, annoyed, stranding me in the living room with Aikanaro – who, by now, was already texting someone. "What happened?"</p><p>"I'm not telling you", he said, "you'd only destroy my phone". I sighed; "you do understand I can use Osanwe and read you like an open book, right?"</p><p>"Oh come on! That's against the bro code!"</p><p>He said and staggered himself to a chair; "tomorrow there's another party, and on campus!" he said loudly, making Arakano open the shower door to yell "I'm not going!"</p><p>"Come on!" said Aikanaro, "you're fun! Our redhair cousin is boring, and frightening!"</p><p>"Great, perhaps he can stop you from drinking ten gallons of beer!"</p><p>"I'm not going to this stupid party" I said, "I have better uses for my time". "Like hell you are!" yelled Arakano, showering. "Yeah right. I have better uses for my time than babysitting". "Hey!" said Aikanaro, getting up from his chair only to fall back again. A few moments later Arakano came out of the shower, with a deadly look in his eyes; "you're taking him tomorrow, I'm done with this fratboy shit" he said angrily.</p><p>"Yeah? Make me" I said, clearly unimpressed, "and besides, he can go on his own. I seriously don't understand why you insist babysitting him" I added, looking at Aikanaro, who by now was snoring loud and drunkenly. "Maedhros, how long have you been living with us?"</p><p>"Three months, I think? And what three months these had been, eh?"</p><p>"And yet, you know absolutely nothing about us. You really are self-centered". "I know, right?"</p><p>He ignored me; "your cousin never goes out on his own. He is afraid of being alone" he said. "When we met here, he was by himself". "Oh, that night? It was unusual by all counts" said Arakano, "he constantly claimed how he felt he must be there or something. I refused to join him, so he went on his own and came back with you. That was the one and only time".</p><p>"Wait, he is afraid of being alone?"</p><p>"Well, yeah" he said, irritated; "unlike what you may think, you're not the only one with unresolved issues". "Actually, I think you two are more alike than you think" he added; "oh really?"</p><p>"You lost Findekano, and he lost Andreth. His loss is, perhaps, greater than yours" he said coldly. "How do you know about Aikanaro and Andreth?"</p><p>Arakano stared at me for a moment, and then started laughing; "I spent far more drunken nights with him than you ever did, cousin dear". "Ugh. This is why I shoudn't have elvish roomates", I said, annoyed; "which is great, because I'm often correct". "You see a lot, Dr. Lecter, but are you strong enough to point that high powered perception at yourself?"</p><p>"Huh?"</p><p>"Nevermind" I said, impatiently; "as you were right about the therapy thingie, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. I will babysit our cousin tomorrow – but if you're wro-". "I don't care" he said, going to his room, "just make sure he doesn't drink".</p><p>***</p><p>Some (almost) 12 hours later I was walking with Aikanaro down the street. He was cautious around me, and he barely said a word – this was hardly surprising, considering that ever since I smashed his phone he was terrified of me. "Huh, Arakano was right. You are afraid of being alone" I said, trying to break the ice as ungraciously as possible. Aikanaro stared at me, suspicious; "what? You'd rather go with me than not go at all" I said.</p><p>"You're no fun" he said, and added "I'm gonna get wasted anyway". "Well, I'm not gonna escort you to the ER" I said, much to his annoyance; "what? I mean, seriously Aikanaro, what do you think is gonna happen eventually?"</p><p>"Excuse me?"</p><p>"Your body will not take it forever, and then it's back to Mandos with you". "What do you care?"</p><p>"I don't" I said, "but it seems to me that if it's healing you're after, then you're way off". He glared at me in response; "oh, look who's talking" he said, "you're so antisocial I begin to understand how you managed Thangorodrim". "I'm a warlord, love me for what I am" I said; "unlike you, I wasn't sent to heal but to fight". "Oh, and this is going soooo well for you, isn't it?"</p><p>"No, it isn't, but it doesn't change the fact you're not healing" I said, "which is why I totally understand why you plan on drinking yourself to death". Aikanaro stared at me, dumbfounded; "what? I can totally understand it, not all wounds can heal. Under different circumstances, I would have probably done the same". "You have no ideas what my "wounds" are".</p><p>"Not all of them, no. I do know you miss Andreth – who is somewhere beyond the confines of Arda".  He stared at me, shocked, again; "what? You told me that yourself, when you were drunk. Or drugged, I don't quite remember". Aikanaro started panting; "please, stop". "Stop what?" I asked. "Talking. Just stop talking" he said, annoyed and tired. "You are cruel" he said to me, "why are you doing this?"</p><p>"Why? Because I told Arakano I would babysit you today. He worries about you, and does his best to look after you. You, on the other hand, seem to let this second chance you've been given to go down the drain. Why? All because you cannot move on".</p><p>He looked back at me, with pain in his eyes; "now, I totally respect your choice to kill yourself by alcohol poisoning, if it truly is your wish – but is it?"</p><p>He opened his mouth, but gave no answer; "do you know how I survived Thangorodrim? How I managed to survive the aftermath of the Nirnaeth without killing myself? I let it go and moved on, as stubbornly as I can. I didn't let anything move me away from that path I've chosen, of survival". "And look where it got you".</p><p>"Oh, sure, I regret it now, but I'm not the point here. Arakano was right, cousin, we two really are alike" I said, and Aikanaro gave me a scornful look; "what? You chose to survive and linger on, which is why you're here instead of Mandos. Oh, and you're also self-destructive".</p><p>"How…". "How what? Now, cousin, do you really wanna heal?"</p><p>Aikanaro took a long breath; "no". "Why not?"</p><p>"Healing means I let go of Andreth. I cannot, I will not". "So you're exactly like me" I said, "well, not "exactly", but very similar. I would also never let go of my memories of Findekano – and yet, I must move on, whether I want to or not". "But you can be together again, in Aman". "Yeah, no. The chances of him taking me back are slim to none, much like you seeing Andreth again".</p><p>"You just love rubbing itnin, don't you?"</p><p>"Think of it as a dose of emotional antibiotics" I said; "moving on is hard, but you must, you don't have a choice. Did you and Andreth bond?"</p><p>"No". "Good, so you can move on, at least on the technical side of it". "You really suck at love advice". "Maybe, but as I said, I don't care if you end up dying from cirrhosis. This is your body, your second chance to squander". "I understand what you're trying to do" he said impatiently, "but I'd rather go back to Mandos than forget Andreth". "I cannot blame you" I said, "the only reason I'm here is because Lord Namo ordered me".</p><p>"And yet, I don't think you really want to go back to Mandos" I said. "I don't wanna forget Andreth either". "So don't". "It's my only way to heal though". "No, you see", I said, "this is where we're differ from each other. I don't lie to myself". "I'm not lying to myself". "Yes, you are" I said, "you can move on. Your nephew, Finduilas, for example – she left Gwindor for Turin, didn't she?"</p><p>"That's different". "Is it? Not really" I said, "and it doesn't really matter, even if it is fundamentally different. In the end, healing is your decision to make, and yours alone. No one can do it for you, and the decision is up to you". "This is a meaningless motto". "No, cousin dear, that's reality for you".</p><p>We sat there, on the bench, for a few more minutes, saying nothing; "do you really don't care whether I live or die?"</p><p>"I respect your choice, and believe that you know what's best for yourself" I said; "for me death was the best possible option. I doubt it is in your case though". Aikanaro immediately started laughing; "I think Arakano would've gotten mad had he heard just half of what you said". "As I told you, cousin, I don't believe in beating around the bus-" I started saying when Aikanaro got up. "You know what? I don't think I'm going to campus today. I'm going to visit the Old City, you're welcome to join me".</p><p>"The Old City?"</p><p>"Yeah, you know, where all the religiousy stuff is". "Oh, that crap. Humans have such an overactive imagination". "Wait, have you never been there?"</p><p>"I'm not into bullshit, so why should I go there? If there's anyone whose prayers were ignored by Eru…". "Stop feeling sorry for yourself" said Aikanaro, "and come with me, I'll show you around".</p><p>We took the tram, and got off a few stops later at the Damascus Gate – and it was there that I felt something was off. It was… strange. The gate and its surrounding plaza were in front of me, and it all seemed… Off. Something wasn't right – it felt as if something dark was in the air, holding the wall together, making the domes glow from beyond, guiding and forcing the believers into their respective houses of prayer inside the old city. Had I known any better, I would've said Sauron was the walls, the churches, the synagogues, the mosques… But it made no sense. And yet, be that as it may, there was something evil in the air, and it felt eerily familiar to the cursed days of Beleriand.</p><p>"Can you feel it?" I asked Aikanaro. "Feel what?"</p><p>"There's something evil about this place". "Oh, yeah, I also feel it" said Aikanaro, nonchalant as ever – "do you know how many wars were fought over this place? It's likely hundreds – if not thousands – died just where we're standing". "Still, it feels off. I mean, it brings back memories" I said uncomfortably, but Aikanaro didn't even listen. He ran off into a demonstration by some religious nutters just across the road – they were all wearing yarmulkas and wearing orange shirts. They raised a pride flag, which they lit ablaze, chanting "death to all abomination!" – and there was Aikanaro, arguing with them.</p><p>I ran after Aikanaro; "you know, you're a bunch of primitive hicks" he told one of them when I arrived. "We follow the holy Torah, God hates sodomites. They're an abomination" replied one of them, which prompted Aikanaro to reply something about the yarmulka blocking the free flow of blood to that boy's brain. "Excuse me" I said, "my cousin and I were just leaving" I said, and grabbed Aikanaro; "why, are you fags afraid of us? We are the lions of Judah, we will fuck you up" said one of them proudly, the eldest among them and probably their leader. I looked at him inquisitively – he was 18 years old at most.</p><p>"Listen boy, I fucked men greater than you and single handedly destroyed monsters far more real than your phoney-baloney god, what's his name? Yahweh?"</p><p>They were taken aback; "what, are you afraid your dumb god will smite me? Oh Yahweh, down here, still waiting for that thunderbolt!" I said loudly, looking at the sky. "Thou shall not bear the Lord's name in vain…". "But it's not in vain" I said, "I'm basically proving your god doesn't exist, this is not vain at all. See? Nothing happens" I said coldly, and again looked at the sky; "oh Yahweh, demon almighty, reveal yourself!"</p><p>And then I heard a loud and close beeping; I turned around just to see a car crashing straight into the side of the road, roughly a meter from where Aikanaro was standing. "See? God is telling you not to test him!"</p><p>"Oh, did he? I guess Yahweh does exist" I said, and turned back. <em>Let's go home</em>, I signalled to Aikanaro in Osanwe; "look out!" he screamed, and I turned around, just to evade a stab by the leader of the gang. I easily disarmed him and locked his arms, twisting them. He let out a cry of pain and I and shoved him away. "Thou shall not take the Lord's name in vain" he said angrily, getting down to pick up the knife. "If try to stab me again, by Yahweh, I will cripple you for life" I said, and looked into his eyes – and all I saw was darkness.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"That… This wasn't normal. Didn't you see it?"</p><p>I asked Aikanaro, panting; we were running away into the Old City, or more precisely, I was running and Aikanaro was doing his best to follow. "Wait" said Aikanaro, "what is it?".</p><p>"Couldn't you sense it? There was darkness in that kid's eyes". "What did you expect to find there exactly? Varda's light? The boy's a wannabe murderer".</p><p>"No" I said angrily, "I recognize this darkness. Don't you?". He stared at me for a few moments, confused; "come on, didn't you see it?"</p><p>"See what?"</p><p>"There was something evil there" I said, "I mean, like old times". Aikanaro stared at me, and then started laughing; "do you really think this kid is Sauron?"</p><p>"No, of course not" I said angrily, "he couldn't be. But the darkness in his eyes, it looked all the same". "Come on Maedhros, think sensibly" said Aikanaro, "he's probably just another closeted moron or something". "I know what I saw" I answered coldly, and then I realized we were in the middle of the Old City, much to my dismay; whatever darkness was in that boy's eyes, it was present all around us - and it was increased by tenfold at least.</p><p>"We should get back" I said to Aikanaro, "this place is dangerous". "Oh come on, I've been here countless times. It's harmless, now let's go eat something. I bet you never tried Hummus". "No, I'm serious" I said, "can't you feel it? This fell air all around us. There's something evil lurking about this place".</p><p>"Yeah, I know. I'm used to it, it's just your first time". "Err, what?"</p><p>"I told you before. This city was fought over by almost everyone in the last 2000 years" he said, and I only answered impatiently how this explains absolutely nothing. "Ugh, let me finish" he said, annoyed, "we Quendi are more sensitive to this shit than humans. You simply sense the history of this place, in a way a human cannot". "It doesn't feel like it" I said uncomfortably, but Aikanaro ignored it and led me through the narrow streets into the market. "This is where we eat, the best hummus in Jerusalem! I'm paying" he proclaimed proudly; "no offense cousin, I'm not eating anything cooked here" I said, sensing my skin turning into goosbumps, "I really think we should go".</p><p>"Yeah yeah, whatever" he said carelessly, and dragged me with him. Apparently, the restaurant he wanted to visit lay near the Jewish Quarter, but we never got there; about halfway through the market there was a "jam" – by which I mean that a large group of religious Jews were fervently arguing with an even larger bunch of Christian priests. Apparently, yesterday some Jewish boys threw rocks at a Christian procession, and in retaliation some Christians desecrated a synagogue; each side was blaming the other, cursing and swearing with zeal.</p><p>We stood there for a few minutes, trying to figure out a way through, and then I felt it again; something bad was getting nearer, dark and evil, with a clear intention to kill. I couldn't see it, but I knew it was there, deadly. <em>Cousin, can you feel it?</em></p><p>I thought at Aikanaro; <em>feel what?</em></p><p><em>It</em>, I thought desperately, but it was pointless. Even if Aikanaro noticed that, whatever it was, he couldn't care less. What was it? This feeling was all too familiar, and eerily reminiscent of Sauron – only that it couldn't be him. What the fuck was going on?</p><p>"Jewish scum, too bad Hitler didn't finish you off!"</p><p>I heard someone shout, snapping me out of it; "Christian dog, this our city, get the fuck out or we'll kill you!" yelled someone else, and suddenly I was pushed aside by someone. And then I saw him – a short young man, radiating darkness, and intent on killing. He was coming from a backside alley, and no one seemed to notice him. "We need to run, now" I said to Aikanaro who didn't listen, only stared at the scuffle, mesmerized. That young man drew nearer and nearer, and I suddenly saw in his mind what he was up to.</p><p>"Get down!"</p><p>I yelled and jumped on Aikanaro, knocking him to the floor. "What th-" said Aikanaro, but before he could finish, we heard a loud – "Allahu Akbar!", followed by a massive blast.</p><p>**</p><p>"I saw you on TV" said Nienna a week later, as I entered her clinic. "Yeah, me and my cousin were lucky" I said. "Do you wanna talk about it? It's not everyday that one survives a terrorist attack". "I don't really see the point" I said, "and I survived greater evils". "Still".</p><p>"Well, I am kinda happy about it" I said, "I mean, of course terrorists are evil. But thanks to this experience I think I'm finally starting to sense a pattern here". "Oh?"</p><p>"There's something evil about this city. The darkness I felt last week is the same I remember. The same one I knew in the old days". "I don't quite understand" said Nienna, feeling uncomfortable; "well, Sauron is back, stirring up something. I don't know how and why, but whatever it is, it has something to do with this city. At best, it's a tool – at worst, his stronghold".</p><p>"Stronghold?"</p><p>"Maybe. There's something going on, and my guess is that it somehow relates to religion. If true, Jerusalem may be his center. His new Mordor". "Religion?" asked Nienna uncomfortably. "Yes, I think so" I said, and looked at her – she was frightened. "Do not be afraid" I said; "how can I not be? According to you, I might be living at the lion's den".</p><p>"I lived in Himring for hundreds of years, which was literally at the devil's doorway" I said, "I managed it because I refused succumbing to fear, at least in the beginning". "What happened?"</p><p>"The Nirnaeth". "Huh?"</p><p>"The battle of unnumbered tears, that's how us Elves know it" I said, "but it's irrelevant. My point is that in order to harm you, Sauron must first make you fear him. Otherwise, it's much harder, well, at least for him".</p><p>She stared at me, unconvinced and uneasy; "anyway, that's not what I want to talk about" I said. "Oh?"</p><p>"Last time you asked me to imagine myself talking to my victims. It backfired" I said, and Nienna only stared at me, confused; "it turns out that these conversations actually happened". She stared at me in disbelief; "I'm sorry, but this is a lot to take in" said Nienna. "Oh?"</p><p>"You just said my house is near Sauron's lair" said Nienna, with her voice shaking, "and if your stories are correct, I'm in terrible danger". I sighed; "yes, you are". "I hope you understand why today will be our last session". "Yes" I said, "I understand. I guess you plan on packing your bags and leaving as far as possible".</p><p>"Yes, correct".</p><p>I sighed again; "from my experience, whatever Sauron is up to, it's unlikely to remain confined". "What do you mean?"</p><p>"He probably intends for it to be on a global scale - whatever it is" I said, and Nienna turned white; "so there's nowhere to run". "Not necessarily. Aim for places which are furthest from all civilization. Oh, it would also be a good idea to avoid bible-belts and other such shitholes" I said, and drank some water; "he uses religion to his favor, but I don't yet know how, or why".</p><p>"But I thought God is Eru" said Nienna, confused; "he is, which is why this is so confusing" I said. "Well, would Eru agree to this?"</p><p>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"If Eru created religion, why would he let Sauron manipulate it?"</p><p>And then it hit me; "I don't think Eru created your religions". She looked at me, inquisitively; "quite frankly, the more I think about Monotheism the more it reeks of Sauron" I said, much to her horror. "I mean, the Valar don't need your belief in them, they exist regardless – I guess the same is true for Eru" I said, and then added "Muslims, Christians, and Jews are all ordered by their priests to fight each other to the death. I don't think it's a bug, rather a feature – although I don't quite understand why".</p><p>"This… This is terrible" said Nienna. "Bear in mind I still need to verify this, and I may be mistaken" I said, and then added "but if it's our last session, please, there are other things I'd like to discuss". "Like what?"</p><p>"As I've said, your exercise in imaginary conversations turned out to be real" I said. "I actually managed to hold a short conversation with Elrond. Apparently, he thinks of me as a father-figure for some reason. The Valar know I do not deserve it". "This is good, isn't it?"</p><p>"Maybe, yes, I think. But I also tried to speak with Findekano – it was cut short before we could converse, but I cannot bring myself to do it again". "Why?"</p><p>"I'm afraid" I said, and Nienna started laughing; "you, afraid? Just ten minutes ago you gave a speech about the merits of fearlessness". "Findekano is not a dark lord" I said; "what are you afraid of then?"</p><p>"His rejection, I guess" I said, and realized tears were coming to my eyes; "why would he reject you?"</p><p>"He was killed because of me. Even besides that, I'm a thrice-guilty murderer, and I avoided him on purpose while in Mando-" I started saying, when Nienna cut me short. "Listen, Maedhros, I'm sorry, I just can't do this. You'll excuse me for finishing our session now, I wanna get away from this city as fast as I can" she said and got up. "To sum it up, I think you should talk to Findekano. If he will reject you, then this is it. You cannot delay the inevitable" she said, and my heart sank.</p><p>"Although, I don't think he will".</p><p>Huh?</p><p>"You said he chased you in Mandos for what, eight thousand years?"</p><p>"Yes".</p><p>"And you also told me about that dream you had".</p><p>"Correct".</p><p>"Have you ever considered this wasn't a dream?"</p><p>"I'm sorry?"</p><p>Nienna crossed her hands; "you are a powerful mind reader, which implies others of your people may be too. Perhaps that dream was Findekano's way of asking whether you still care about him".</p><p>"I…". "You what?"</p><p>"I don't know if I want him to take me back" I said, tearful; "why? I thought you love him, you said so yourself". "I'm unworthy of him".</p><p>"Well, this is his decision to make, not yours" said Nienna; "now, I really need to get packing so you must go. My advice is – ignore that voice in your head. Despite what you may think, you do deserve to be happy".</p><p>I sighed and got up; "I wish I could believe that". "Then ignore your disbelief" said Nienna, and I bowed my head. "Thanks for everything" I said, "may the Valar bless your way, and may you find a haven far from Sauron's reach".</p><p>I took a deep breath; "remember the vow you took, to say nothing of these sessions or of my existence. Know that if you break it, you will be in a terrible danger. Sauron wouldn't let this information pass".</p><p>"Dear god" said Nienna, "I never thought it would ever get so real when I took it"; "tell me about it" I said. "Namarie, Nienna, and again, may the Valar guide your ways to safety".</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A few days later, and I was no closer to finding out what Sauron had to do with organized religion. "This is pointless" I said to Aikanaro; we were both reading – I the Bible, he the Quran – trying to find some clues for Sauron's whereabouts. Needless to say, we got nowhere; "you know, when I agreed to help you, I thought the Quran would be an interesting read. These verses don't even cut it into bad poetry" said Aikanaro, "care to switch texts?"</p><p>"Gladly, but I don't think this will get us anywhere. The Bible is just as dumb" I said; ever since we got away from that terrorist attack, Aikanaro was suddenly interested in my work, becoming almost a sidekick (and a drunk one at that). "No, it probably wouldn't" said Aikanaro, "I think you should try a different approach".</p><p>"Like what?"</p><p>"Don't study these texts, they're worthless on their own. Well, at least from a historian's perspective" said Aikanaro; "I thought you prefer to think of yourself as a philosopher". "Shut up and listen. If Sauron is the guiding force behind religion, he'd probably mask himself well enough so that no one could find him".</p><p>"So, what would you suggest I do?"</p><p>"You need to look for his cover ups. I mean, if we accept for a moment your theory that Sauron is this Yahweh guy, then first you must figure why would Sauron want to be a god. After that, you should search where the Bible contradicts history, archaeology, and so on – my bet is that this is where you'll find him". "That's an interesting approach" I said, feeling ashamed I didn't think of it myself; "told ya, you always need your cousins to get you out of trouble". "I'm not in trouble". "We both know that's only a matter of time" he said.</p><p>"Care for a drink?"</p><p>"You know what? I think that's a good idea" I said, and Aikanaro stared at me, surprised. "You never drink beer" he said, "what's wrong?"</p><p>"Nothing". "You're a terrible liar" said Aikanaro; "you know what? Screw it, I'm damned either way" I said, "it's Findekano". "Oh, let me guess" said Aikanaro, "you had your first sex in ages, literally, and now you're feeling guilty". "Ugh, no" I said, "there's this theoretical scenario I'm pondering". "What, for when you return?"</p><p>"No, err, it's more like the here and now". "Wait, is Findekano joining us in Endore?"</p><p>Asked Aikanaro, with his eyes lit; "no, no, I hope not" I said, "but first promise me you won't tell Arakano". "Fine, I promise" he said, impatiently; "assume, theoretically, that I had a way to contact Findekano, in Mandos. Should I do it?"</p><p>"Hell yeah", he said, and looked at me inquisitively; "If you had a chance to speak with Andreth, what would you tell her?"</p><p>"That I'm sorry, I guess" said Aikanaro; "for what?"</p><p>"That I took off without explaining why". "Oh?"</p><p>"I'm not in the mood" said Aikanaro, and took another can of beer. "Anyway, if you get such a chance, don't squander it. Go do it, now" he said. "It is a theoretical-". "No it isn't, and you can't lie" said Aikanaro; "you were given a second chance, don't waste it" he said. "Seriously?"</p><p>"Yeah, I'm using your own tricks on you. It is obvious you miss Findekano, and quite frankly I don't understand why you avoided him in Mandos. Anyway, that's your chance, so go". "How did you…?"</p><p>"I used Osanwe while you were sleeping" said Aikanaro; I opened my mouth to protest and he only said "what, you really thought I wouldn't pay you back for all those times you read me like a book?"</p><p>"Fair point, I guess", I said begrudgingly. "Now, go talk to him. While you still can – Sauron can wait". "You don't know that" I said, "I wasn't sent here by Namo to reach out to Findekano". "Since when does a Feanorian cares what Namo thinks?"</p><p>I was left speechless; "come on Maedhros, we both know you wanna".</p><p>"I-well, I'm afraid".</p><p>"You? Afraid? Of what, exactly?"</p><p>"What if he hates me?"</p><p>"Then you'd have a common interest" he said. I stared at him; "what? It's pretty obvious you hate yourself. Why do you think I tried dragging you with me to binge drinking? I mean, do you have any idea how miserable you appear? You suck at poker face, cousin".</p><p>"If it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure Andreth hated me towards the end. I still would've talked to her today, given the chance" he said. "Now, you go talk to Findekano, while I search for interesting tidbits about Sauron" he said. "Huh?"</p><p>"You go talk to Findekano, tell him I said hi".</p><p>"You really don't have to do my work for me".</p><p>"Stop making excuses" said Aikanaro, "and besides, you already saved my ass, twice. Consider it as returning the favor".</p><p>A minute later I was in my room, lying on my bed, my heart pounding in my chest. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, searching in my mind for Findekano – but I couldn't find him, no matter how hard I tried.</p><p><em>Your cousin just left Mandos.  By his choice, he is outside your reach</em>, said Namo. For a moment I felt relieved, and then my heart sank; this means he gave up on me, right?</p><p>
  <em>Maybe, and maybe not. He still remembers you.</em>
</p><p>I suddenly became nauseous<em>; if you wish, there are others in Mandos who would like to have a word with you. </em>I didn't answer; I got up and went back to the living room. "That was fast" said Aikanaro, surprised, "what happened?"</p><p>"I need a beer. You know what? No, make it a bottle of vodka".</p>
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